| Wow, haven't updated this in awhile. But something \meaningful happened to me that, in the light of all this senioritus going around, I thought I woudl share. I ws working last Saturday night. Alright, if you didn't know, I've been kinda down, not sick phyiscally, but mentally, I KNOW I'm not alone, so I'm not feeling too sorry for myself. It's the weather, it's school. it's angst, it's being human. My wheels have been spinning for awhile now, and last Saturday I hit somehtng hard enough to knock some sense into me.. Germaine and I were doing the Starbucks thing, yah know, chatting, joking around, making the occasional caramel mochiato, the norm. We were both complaining about school, bitching about college, wining about the future. Two young kids, college bound, neither really giving two shits less. Well, he went somewhere, break or something, and while he was gone a man came in. He was about 50 I'd say; He was black, well dressed; leather coat, scarf, hat, clean shaven, but tired looking. He came in and sat down at the bar facing the parking lot, his back to me. With no guest and no one to unload my emo on. I began to pace back and forth with a rag, just running it up and down, along the counter tops. He said something and I looked up, I had zoned, didn't hear him the first time so I got closer, he repeated what he had said "Is your job really that boring?" I laughed and said "Well, right now it is, it was busy earlier but now, we're pretty slow" Common Starbucks small talk. I asked him how his night was, he ignored my question and answered with "Well, where I work it's never slow". I asked him what he did for a living. This is where he began to put me to shame.... "I work in a meat packing plant" He made a cutting motion with his hands, so my guess is he cuts the meat? Something like that. 50-60 hours a week, 6 in the morning til' 4 at night. It's been slow lately, Beef sells are down, so sometimes the boss gives em' mondays off. Now I knew why he looked so tired. He was saving up for a car he said, who isn't right? That's not what got me, he looked at me and he said " I wish I would have stuck it out in school..," He had no way to finish the statement with words, the way he stared off across thr parking lot, but that's not what he was looking at, that said it all. .He picked back up with "I haven't been here long", I asked him when he got in, "Jenuary 13th". He was here strictly for the money. I went to help a guest. A few minutes later he came up to the counter and asked if I was in school, I said "Yes, I'm a sernior", in the way I always say "I'm a senior", sorta pathetic. I say it that way because I'm not done, there's so much more I have to do, I still feel like I have somehting to prove in high school, but in four months, it's over. I didn't say any of this to him, perhaps mystare said more than my words too. (My inner monologue as Mrs. Wiig, my drama teacher would say) He stood up straight for the first time and said "That's alright girl, stick with it". He ordered a coffee, I told him I had a choir concert that night, he asked me if I competed, I said no but I do in my schools show choir. He went on asking me questions about it for a couple mintues. "Do you enjoy it?" The look he gave mewhen he asked was piercing. The question itself wasn't significant, it's one I've ben asked before. This time it came from a man who you could tell didn't use the word enjoy very often in regards to his own life. "Yes I do" I said.really meaning it for the first time in a long time. Not just to try and prove to him I did. but I do, I enjoy performing, though it wears, but that's all part of it. That's the part I forget and without knwoing it, he helped me remmeber. I gave him his coffee, he went back to sit down and with a smile back at me said "Stick with it" with a little bounce in his step. .He wasn't more then 5'8 I'd guess, he looked good for his age. Like he took care of himself. However, from the way his face lay, you could tell he worked long hours, and that he had been doing so longer than I'd been alive. The last thing he said to me before I left was "You have fun, I'll be here waititng on my cab". He wasn't looking for pity, that was just the truth. There he was, tired from work, held up on a cold saturday night at a Target alone, in a town he wasn't from, waiting on some cab that would take him back to wherever he lived, that place not benig at his home address. Germaine came back, I told hm to talk to the guy at the bar, he's cool. Germaine looked at me like I was wierd, haha, like always and I left and went to the concert. I went to Jacks afterward, but I couldn't get him out of my mind, obvously that's yet to happen. He had a ring on his fingure, I am glad for that, I hope he has someone. Marriage is not the most important thing, But I am coming around to understanding and appreciating what having someone is and what it means. It's special, and it's rare. I' d like to say I can do it all on my own, But at work when people call me sweet heart or darling as they walk out, not even in a " Hey baby, who you doing?" kinda a way, it makes me feel good. To have that is nice, to have someone telling you your doing a godo job. No matter what happens, they are there. That is huge, especially, now a days when it's so easy to quit on eachother and on yourself. We give up hope because it's so rare. Love is mildly defined with so many impersonations. I am 18, I feel like a failure so much of the time, like my time has passed, like I am making all the wrong decisions. Most of the time I don't even know what my options are. I am constantly faced with a choice, constantly second guessing the one I pick. It's a battle for everyone, weaher your 18, 50, somewhere before, between or after, it's not easy for anyone. Without knowing it, he put me in check, a well deserved one. I've been given so many chances, so many second go arounds, so many do overs. I don't make all the wrong decisons, but I certainly don't make all the right ones. I am stubborn, lazy and hard headed. I am going to college. I've made it this far. I drag my feet the whole way. By acting like a baby, I am insuilting everybody like him, the people who weren't given a second chance at all, it'spossible they were never given one to begin with. He is a smart guy, you could just tell, he got on a path and never found his way off it. He regrets it now, you could tell, it was wirtten all over his face, even the way he sat was lonely. You can se it behind some peoples eyes, those with pride who try to keep it together by looking proud. His poured out from his eyes, they were empty. It was about 65 degrees in the store and even with a coat, scarf, and hat, he looked cold. I don't pity or look down on him. He's making his way and wishing well to others as he goes. That is admireble! We should have more test of character in school. I suppose we do, if we look for them. Can't say I do all the time. It did make me feel grateful, a reminder that I should feel that way more. I don't have eveyrthing I want, that's a fact. Maybe I want too much, eveyrhting is not a small request and I'm constantly reaching out for more. This story might be insignificant and you might feel like I'm wasting your life with this.... I know my stories are long... But his meant something to me, Especially at this time, I am torn up, I'm coming to terms with a lot of it.. Not drivng, not being able to, has really began to sink in. I keep it inside, I don't want anyone to feel bad or guily for what they have because that's not it at all. But I just feel helpless. It's not just my eyes, very little has anything at all to do with that. But I miss my car, it was soo nice!!! I know how materialistic.... But God I do. driving, feeling free for 15 minutue, 20 if I drove slow enough, wish was hardly ever the case. I didn't appreciate it when I had it. That privealage is gone, maybe forever. I don't appeciate things until they're gone. My car, among other things, not just things. I'm a silly spoiled girl. I miss my car. "If you want to make God luagh, tell hm your plan" I've been spending a lot of time on my own lately, as emo as it sounds, I have. I don't need thearpy, okay, maybe I do, but I just need to pay attention. Watching people, listening to them, that's the best thearpy. When I take time to do that, I learn the most. Most importantly, I have to take the time. As for school. Well, well, well. yah know, I'm not shining so bright in the sky of acedemic excellence. A bad excuse is my only defence. I have senioritus. I bought the gum, I'm wearing the patch, I'm trying to break the habit. Hmm, my love life..question mark I recently realized I am extremely too young to have one. Like a 7th grader with a cell phone, who yah calling kid? SERISOULY!! What business do I have? When did everyone get this warped idea that you HAVE to be with someone ALL the time. Gag! I keep being told I should live it up in my last 7 months before college."Don't be afraid, don't regret, just live" Gag again, that time I threw up alittle in a mouth. Whatever man, I love it when people tell me to live it up!!! Yes, because I restrict myself from what I want so.... I don't mean to offend, If you're happy with a relationship that is soo different and TRUELY I am happy for your happiness. I don't underesitmate that feeling, believe me, it's irreeplaceable!! I'm not dead inside. I'm a realist. A realist whose alone, a relaist who doesn't have to be alone, a realist who has what she wants for a minute, then screws it up, a realist who can't accept anythhing is real, until it's too late, who says more in her stupid xanaga post then to that person, A realist who acts very fake alot of the time, A realist who isn't real. My next guest is Alnis Moresette ladies and gentlemen, please give her a hand, who will be performing"isn't it Ironic?", isn't it just???.... But for me.. right now... at 9:51, Febuary 12th, 2007, my answer is why again? Why only for the sake of that. For being with somehting because other have others. What a lame reason to be with someone I feel. We've all looked at couples and wanted that duh, but giving myself to a person, not even in a sexual way, but commiting to a relationnship has to stand for more then fitting in. Doing what I ought to has never been a good enough reason for me. Maybe i'm an idiot, but I've made peace with that. At least I'm being true to my stupidity/frame of mind. I could be incredibly ignorant, if I am then I already fit in enough. " Ignornance is bliss", I hate that quote, by the way, but it's very true..... I love being told what I feel or rather, what I should feel. I've been beating msyelf up for not wanting to date for that reaosn alone. I feel numb. Is there somehting wrong with me? Maybe, maybe I'll regret not, but just thinking that way makes me furious!! I'm not going to if I don't want to. I've been keeping a lot inside this year, with my car and blah..Maybe I am really numb/ . Haha, siked you out. That is not true. I have felt, trust. I just feel old all the sudden. Within the last 2 weeks. When did being young get so old feeling? All I know is, when I feel it, I do it. Not do it like sex, let's bone 24/7 sicko! Wow, DON'T GET ME STARTED!! At Jacks house, we all ((Jack, Jolene, Sophie, Lindsey, Phil, Andre, Josh, Lani, and David)) had a big talk about that. The big S E X Wow, intervention much? I have cool friends.. Not like the Phans cool  and not just the ones who were there. Just wow, interesting cool. I'm not gonna put anyone on blast ((I've always wanted to say that by the way)) So I'm not gonna put everyones sensitive side out there in the breeze. We all have reputationas to uphold, lol. But like I said, I suddenly feel old, I'm not the only one. Okay, well, I have xanga'd . As cool as I feel for xanaging for an hour and a half, I'm gonna go do some algebra. Isn't it funny thatt he thing we say we're gonna do when we're done posting almost always isn't what we go do. But hopefully the gum is working, I'm gonna go try and be studious!! Peace on the outside xanga homies! ~Stevie P.S. Sophie, Laura, and I hung out after play practise today. Wow, good times. P.S.S. Okay, so Wednesday is Valentines Day. I hope everyone has a nice day that day!!. Don't get too bent out of shape if you don't have a hand to hold, it's flue season anyway!! haha, j/k. If you have a hand to hold, remmeber to wash.  Just to clarify that I am not dead inside. This quote is very sweet. "A friend is one who knows who you are, understands where you have been, accepts what you have become, and still gently allows you to grow."
William Shakespeare |
